my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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