I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
