Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
