if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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