I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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