Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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