My cat gives me a boner
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
