i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
