Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Of course I have a pirate flag
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
