During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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