i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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