You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
