I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Two words: blizzard sex
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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