I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
