My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
