I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
