Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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