its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
