You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
