i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I have aggressive nipples.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
