the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
This is my gift to your gina
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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