Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
not ubering you a puppy
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
