just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
porn star boner night. come get it.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
