I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Damn victory sex feels great
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
