Can i not drive my cunt home
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize