I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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