I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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