just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
