How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
