Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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