Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize