Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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