When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
