I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
