1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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