I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
you guys were way drunker than both of me
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
