saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
