i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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