Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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