Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
