I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
