i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
