For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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