woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
