I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
