I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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