If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
