So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
they're like a gay fantastic four
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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