at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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