I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
