so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
