The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
