Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
