I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
