I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
