There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
