I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
