You're my little dorito
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Randomize
