I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize