i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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