I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
