The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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