I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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