Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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