You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
