I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
