Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
