Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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