standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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