I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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