Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I feel like a drive thru vagina
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
