Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Success! We fucked roommates!
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