So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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