wake up i wanna do it froggy style
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
